What is Anxious Attachment?
This one is for you.
I know more anxiously attached people than any other attachment type. These individuals often struggle to find and maintain love. They actively seek help to navigate their feelings and relationships.
Before we dive deeper, let’s explore the attachment types as defined by John Bowlby, the psychologist who developed the theory of attachment.
According to Dr. Bowlby, there are four different attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
The focus of this article is anxious attachment. If you want to learn more about the other types, a quick Google search will reveal a wealth of information. I also recommend the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.
Characteristics of Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment is marked by a strong desire for closeness, fear of abandonment, and heightened emotional responses in relationships. Individuals with this attachment style often crave intimacy and validation from others. This craving stems from early experiences of inconsistent or unavailable caregiving.
When I coach someone with anxious attachment, they often don’t realize their needy behavior towards their partners. They focus so much on what is going wrong that they struggle to enjoy the relationship.
Some individuals become obsessed with their partner. They are consumed by the fear that their partner will leave them. In an attempt to control the situation, they may manipulate their partner’s actions.
Does this sound familiar? If so, you might be anxiously attached.
A Personal Example
Let me share an example. I once knew a young woman in her 20s who started dating a man she really liked. They had a great sex life initially. However, after a few months, she began to feel insecure. Instead of having sex every night, they only had sex 27 out of 30 nights in their third month together.
She felt undesirable because her boyfriend didn’t initiate sex for three nights. This led her to believe he was pulling away or losing interest.
This reaction was extreme, especially since there were no other signs of disinterest. Her insecurities stemmed from past relationships, causing her to feel inadequate.
Taking Responsibility for Your Feelings
Here’s a crucial point: your insecurities and past experiences are yours to manage. The person you are dating is not responsible for fixing them. You are responsible for your own emotional well-being.
This is why relationships with anxiously attached individuals can be challenging. These personalities require reassurance, patience, and a lot of trust. They need partners who are open, transparent, and willing to communicate consistently.
While it’s not the secure person’s job to coddle the anxious person, understanding how to address their needs is essential.
Questioning Your Behavior
It is also YOUR responsibility to question your behavior and the need for constant reassurance. Everyone desires security and wants to feel confident in their relationships. You can become more secure by learning to manage your feelings instead of overwhelming your partner with past traumas.
Anxiety often revolves around worrying about the future. The goal is to become present, enjoy the moment, and not stress about what lies ahead.
The Secure Attachment Perspective
A securely attached person feels confident and realistic about their partner, regardless of where they are in the relationship. They don’t create scenarios in their minds about what might happen next week, next month, or next year. They also don’t dwell on when the relationship might end because they trust that, if it does, they will be okay.
If you are struggling with anxious attachment and overwhelming feelings of impending heartbreak, I would love to work with you. Just click on a time slot for a video call with me to see if we would be a good match!
Conclusion
Understanding anxious attachment is the first step toward healing and finding fulfilling relationships. Recognizing your patterns and taking responsibility for your feelings can lead to healthier connections with others.
Take care of yourself!
XO Jenn
