Entering a new relationship can feel like stepping into uncharted territory. You know that magical moment when you meet someone special, and suddenly you’re Googling, “how soon is too soon to mention my emotional baggage?” Yes, that moment can be both thrilling and terrifying.
We all enter new relationships carrying an invisible suitcase. Some of us have a small carry-on, while others bring checked bags. A few of us might even roll in with the emotional equivalent of seven oversized luggage pieces that exceed the airline weight limit. (No judgment—we’ve all been there.)
But somewhere between “I’ll accept anyone who shows me basic human decency” and “they must be 6’2″, own a golden retriever, love my mother, hate cilantro, and have read all seven Harry Potter books at least twice,” lies a sweet spot. Let me introduce you to the dynamic duo: Non-Negotiables and Desires.
Non-Negotiables: The “I’ve Been Hurt Before and I’m Not Doing That Again” List
Non-negotiables are your dealbreakers. They represent your red lines and boundaries. These are the things you’ve learned—sometimes the hard way—that you absolutely need (or cannot tolerate) in a partner. Learning them “the hard way” often means you dated someone who made you question your entire existence for six months.
Examples of Reasonable Non-Negotiables:
- Must respect my boundaries.
- Should have their own life and interests.
- Needs to communicate like an adult, not like a cryptic fortune cookie.
- Must be kind to service workers (and my cat).
- Should be emotionally available (not just when they want something).
Examples of Non-Negotiables That Might Need Workshopping:
- Must respond to texts within 47 seconds.
- Has to hate my ex more than I do.
- Should intuitively know what I’m thinking at all times.
- Must never, ever, under any circumstances, like pineapple on pizza.
The key here is that non-negotiables should focus on values, respect, and compatibility—not on controlling every aspect of someone’s personality or punishing them for your ex’s mistakes.
Desires: The “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” List
Desires are the cherry on top. They are the bonus features in a relationship. These are the things that would be great but won’t make or break the relationship. Think of desires as your relationship wish list—they’re preferences, not requirements. If your partner doesn’t check every single desire box, that’s okay! They are a human being, not a Build-A-Bear workshop creation.
Examples of Healthy Desires:
- Shares some of my hobbies.
- Has a good sense of humor.
- Enjoys traveling.
- Likes the same TV shows so we can binge together.
- Appreciates my oddly specific references to 2000s pop culture.
The beautiful thing about desires is their flexibility. Maybe they don’t love hiking like you do, but they are willing to try it. Perhaps they can’t quote The Office verbatim, but they laugh at your jokes anyway. Connection isn’t about finding someone identical to you—it’s about finding someone who values you.
The Tricky Part: Knowing the Difference
Here’s where past relationships become our greatest teachers. They can also be our greatest sources of trust issues and commitment concerns, but we’re working on that. Sometimes we confuse desires with non-negotiables. We think, “They MUST love dogs,” when really what we learned from our last relationship is, “They must respect what’s important to me.” See the difference?
Other times, we minimize actual non-negotiables because we’re afraid of being “too picky” or “too damaged.” Spoiler alert: wanting someone who doesn’t gaslight you isn’t being picky—it’s called having standards. Past hurts teach us what we need, but they can also make us hypervigilant.
Your ex was always late? Suddenly you’re treating anyone who shows up five minutes behind schedule like they’ve committed a cardinal sin. Your ex was jealous? Now you’re suspicious of anyone who asks where you’re going. The goal is to learn from the past without letting it write your future in permanent marker.
Creating Your Own List (Grab the Tissues and Your Journal)
Time for some reflection. Get comfortable, maybe pour yourself a beverage, and think about:
- What did past relationships teach you about your non-negotiables? What patterns hurt you? What did you tolerate that you shouldn’t have?
- What desires are you holding onto that might be too rigid? Are you confusing “nice to have” with “must have”?
- Are any of your non-negotiables actually about your ex? Are you creating rules to protect yourself from one specific person who’s no longer in your life?
Remember: Your list isn’t about creating the perfect partner checklist. It’s about understanding yourself—what you need to feel safe, valued, and loved, versus what would simply be the icing on an already delicious cake.
The Bottom Line
Entering a new relationship with clarity about your non-negotiables and desires isn’t about being demanding—it’s about being self-aware. It’s about honoring what you’ve learned (even when the learning sucked) while staying open to connection.
Yes, you’ve been hurt before. Yes, you’ve learned some hard lessons. But you’ve also learned what you deserve. And spoiler alert: it’s someone who meets your non-negotiables and maybe, just maybe, checks off a few desires too.
Now go forth and date with intention, wisdom, and just enough humor to survive the absolute circus that is modern romance. You’ve got this. (And if you don’t, well, that’s what therapy is for.)
Take care of yourself,
XOXO
Jenn
